I stand for the longest time in the kitchen area of the lower floor, knowing I’m delaying the inevitable. Alexi upstairs barging around like a crazed panther and looking to take it out on the person who just publicly disobeyed and humiliated him. I can almost visualise him in all his vicious glory. Caged, wild and ferocious while his family try to contain the eruption.
We were to be a secret … I have made that impossible now.
I feel like I can’t breathe, lungs constricted and wrapped in chains. My body is heavy, running cold with the profound acceptance that this will only end badly for me, and I can’t stop shivering. I’m so jittery. Avoiding him is delaying what I deserve but facing him is a fate worse than death.
I need air; I need space; I need solitude. My head is spinning a million miles an hour and the pain from his ‘date’ revelation is numbing out as logic and sense filter through to give me a massive shake. Regret replaces anger for what I just did; apprehension replaces the satisfaction of purging my club of his past conquests. My brain has stopped her impulsive hate attack on the man who wronged me and is now in the ‘maybe I overreacted’ frame of thinking.
I’m an idiot sometimes. Too fiery and kick out without thinking at all. Actions from reactions and little to no thought about what truth is staring me in the face.
I did overreact … her response solidified what he said upstairs. ‘It wasn’t a date, it was business’ in other words, paid to accompany him and act like an adoring mistress. He doesn’t pay for company or sex; he doesn’t need to. So, she understood she was playing a role and it was going nowhere. He separated it by making it clear it was a business arrangement and nothing else. Took any hopes or misunderstandings out of it so she wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Something he would never do for a screw.
Her attitude said it all. His attitude said it all. He was mad because I questioned his truths. He isn’t the type to lie to me about cheating. He would just say it how it was. That’s who he is. He was angry because I accused him when he knew he was being honest.
And of course, he wouldn’t see it as a detail he had to tell me about. She served a similar purpose to the extra men he takes with him, even if they’re not needed. It’s all about appearances and letting his enemies see only what he wants them to see or know what he intends, and yesterday was all about keeping me secret and safe. She was just a number to his party and not anything of importance.
He didn’t lie.
He put on a show to hide the fact there is a woman he cares for.
Me.
And now because of me being a complete idiot, he will have to work ten times as hard to protect me as big-mouthed pissed whores run amok and tell the world how Alexi Carrero’s hostess threw a jealous fit and sacked his past conquests. It’s just painting a huge red arrow over my goddamn head. Women who already move in dangerous circles and their gossip could be overheard by the wrong people. Rumours spread like wildfire when it’s something like this.
Absolutely fucking great, Camilla. Gold star for brightest brain in the building!
I feel sick with the realisation that I acted like a complete mental case consumed with jealousy and pain because I’m insecure and untrusting and carry a million issues relating to that man. I didn’t stop to let it filter or think it through and now … well, we are at war and he is probably storming around, trapped by Mico, and venting like crazy about all the heinous things he wants to do to me. Which of course, Alexi will try so hard to control.
I don’t think there is enough booze in the world to calm that kind of chaos right now. And yet another little detail I should have picked up on. He was self-medicating right there in front of me to try and keep his cool with me. I was attacking him, and he was trying not to overreact. That’s why he was propped at the bar and downing shots one after the other like a thirsty alky. Self-calming that quick to aggression personality of his because he didn’t want to fight with me or make things worse.
Stupid girl.
I need to leave him to calm down and let his own sense of logic come into play.
Which it will, eventually.
Maybe.
Alexi left me after Miami for a week, for this reason. To evaluate, think it through and calm himself back to human. He will take time to do the same here, although hopefully not a week. To recognise that it was a knee-jerk response from an over-emotional woman who has been burned by him many times. I’m praying that smart head will push the bad temper aside if I give him a little breathing space and I never have to find out if punishing me is still a possibility. Alexi calms down eventually, I’ve seen it. He can be reasonable when handled the right way.
God, I know this. I know how to approach him.
He gave it to me in black and white, that night at his little bolthole. An aggressive, combative approach gets the same in return. He can’t help it. He reacts to fire with fire, even though he loves me. He recognises this and even told me that gently is how to deal with him. He was giving me the key to avoiding this kind of shit between us. He can’t change all that he is, and he knows this, so he gave me a way to combat his worst and accept him. If I had asked him sanely, and listened, we would probably still be upstairs making out on his desk.
I was putty in his hands and no thoughts of mistrust were invading to stop what he was doing. I was all
weak, hands trembling and a huge lump in my throat which might be my heart trying to vomit itself out of my body. I feel nauseous, antsy and I’m twisting the bracelet
in my mouth if he just lets this slide
capable of doing to me, it truly will be the end. Even if I
and a confident stroll, like I have no cares. Mask intact while my insides are crumbling to ashes. I have to keep swallowing the excessive saliva down from my stomach as it tries to bring up my entire gooey lining. I’m just fraught and scared and hurting because, above all, this stupid thing might be the end of what never really got started. I know myself well enough.
air and open space to get my shit together, my bravado back and think about
longing, a need for sky and oxygen
girls leaning there in front of the main door, using a nearby pillar as a rest. Dressed in red underwear and satin robes over fake boobs and sculpted bodies. I think it’s our pole dancers for the show tonight and try my best to ignore their eyes following me as I get
instantly, even though it’s a crisp frosty day with a smell in the air of threatening rain. I blink and shade my face for a second as my eyes adjust and inhale the air as deeply as I can. More in a bid to feel less frantic, than to
I stumble forward before my eyes have
Trying not to engage in case he asks me to go back inside. Blinking as I see more men standing out here, doing God knows what. Normally all security is inside but I guess due to the frenzy of cleaning, some of them are out here smoking a cigarette and enjoying the air. Taking advantage of
the fact that most of them work constantly and never seem to go home or have a day off. It’s a way of life for some of them and they work longer than twelve-hour shifts. Mico never seems to do anything else except shadow Alexi, even into the night, I know he obviously has time with his fiancée and time for a home, it just never seems that way. He
him the day off. It’s weird to imagine Jackson with a normal everyday life and family outside of these walls. Or that Alexi deems something
meltdown. They are imposing on my people free
I need headspace. Desperately.
move down the steps, away from the men and they go back to conversing about a football match once I’m out of the way. Not paying attention to my whereabouts, in fact, one of the girls inside opens and closes the door, throwing out a cigarette end and I catch head security glance back with a satisfied nod. He thinks it’s me going back inside I guess and hasn’t spotted me sliding away to be shielded by the stair wall. He goes back to
to upstairs for going
tall half-standing wall that used to be some sort of barrier. It’s high enough to act as a shade for me. I pace absentmindedly to try to calm my erratic swishing insides and breathless angst until the air penetrates my clothes and cools me down to a mild shiver. One
traffic coming and going at the far end of the long lane ahead. The club nestles
pacing crazily. I
me out of myself and I automatically pull it out, blanching at Alexi’s name and slide it right back in without answering. My heart skips, stomach lurches and restarts its rhumba of a crazy beat with that nauseating cold flush
around my throat squeezing tightly and I gasp to throw it off, scurrying in the opposite direction to the club door
further to use a nearby wall as cover should he appear and hope to God he doesn’t. Cowering behind it for a moment to check that he
once was, but I’m scared of what he is capable of when he is seething mad. And I know that right now, he
out. It was hard enough the first time, but after all of this, I think it would kill me for him to come at me in the same cold and cruel manner. Doing those things now would destroy me in many more ways. Seeing his kindness, his ability
trembling and knowing the longer I ignore him, the worse he will be. I hover over the call button, chewing on my bottom lip,
hang my head in defeat. I will have to face him at some
time. He needs a lot of
almost squeak in fright at the unexpectedness of it. Proof of how on edge he has me, and I glance at the text as it pops up on my home screen. What’s
THE FUCK ARE
as I hoped, but obviously working himself into a demonic fury that could melt steel. On the warpath and raking the club to find me. Which means I’m not going in there for anything,
he
I’m not that stupid.
where he won’t think to look. I will call him back but not until I’m out of sight and far enough away that he won’t be able to come and drag
much aggression pulsates through that cold body when he is riled like this. I spent enough time with him to know you don’t go facing this version of him by choice. You have to caress and
moment; I need to treat him like a venomous snake someone has trodden on.
again, but as I can still see the club from here, I hold off, duck my head and walk a hell of a lot faster. It’s panic walking and