I wake up in my own bed. Well, once again ON my bed, with a throw over me, and yet again, it’s mid-morning and I cannot remember anything after falling asleep. There’s no way I just slept right through from five p.m., but as I check my bedside clock it flashes nine forty-three a.m. at me and I rub my eyes in disbelief. I didn’t dream, no night terrors, no crazy shadows and monsters dragging me out of slumber—a silent dreamless sleep that almost never happened before I came back here. This is happening more and more lately and I feel refreshed from a full night’s rest.
I am still wearing yesterday’s dress, so Alexi must have brought me through and put me to bed at some point. This is getting to be a habit for him, and I sit and ponder for a moment the fact that he didn’t even try to wake me or do anything beyond let me sleep.
I still don’t trust him, but somehow, lately … I don’t hate him quite so much either. He keeps showing me glimpses of another side, and as much as I keep telling myself that it’s a lie—an act, a way to get at me—there’s a part of me that wants to believe in those parts of him as something real.
The same idiot girl who looked for love in a heart incapable of loving her … I am a fool.
I fell asleep on Alexi’s lap like some damn trusting moron; I don’t even know why I keep falling into this cycle of caring for him.
Yesterday was exhausting, the fights in the car that we never finished, and the way he was with me after Feral … which reminds me of my loss. It hits hard again with a thud to my stomach which I immediately mentally block out and push away.
I learned the best way to deal with emotional pain is to push it away quickly, stop thinking about it and focus on anything else until it stops hurting so much. That’s what I intend to do to forget that beast and remove its little claws from my heart strings.
Alexi has left me feeling strange and disconnected somehow. Confused hopelessly over what he is to me—who he is anymore.
He’s not the person he was before I left. He’s not the Alexi who made me crumble to dust anytime he saw signs of my weakness or used them against me. I still have those same weaknesses, yet he hasn’t dared to breach them again.
He hasn’t tried to control me or hurt me in any real physical way … except after Miami when he called me a whore … but we were both calling each other names and it was a reaction to rejecting him. He hasn’t forced a seduction on me, even when he went for a kiss and I said no.
When I said NO before I left, he would just use his hold over me to bend my will and catch me in his trap of powerless submission. He could do it again so easily if he wanted to, and yet he hasn’t—Not once.
He was genuinely hurt at my rejection that night, and instead of sadistic or manipulating, he walked off with a wounded expression and left me alone.
He has kept to a boundary even if it’s on his terms …
No touching equates to no sex for him and not general day to day touchy-feely. So, in his mind, he’s doing what I asked by not seducing me.
Stay away. Well, that one he just seems to ignore and is here more than not, just like last time. Not that I can complain. His presence has helped me move on a little, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes like him around.
Keeping this business between us? I guess him not seducing me is what he deems enough, and maybe growing closer neutrally is a sign he really is trying to build a platonic relationship. I see hints of it.
Like last night.
Alexi is multi-layered and complex and I don’t know what’s real anymore.
I keep waiting for the punishments, the cruelty and the blows to my heart with the cruel words of how little I matter to him, and yet they don’t come. Not this time. It’s almost like he is afraid he may push me to that point again where I held a gun to my head and willed my life to be over. He seems cautious around me as though that night left a mark on him too.
It’s in the small things. The way he keeps avoiding standing directly behind me, he even apologised for it that day in the office. He knows it’s something that makes me uncomfortable, and he actively tries not to do it now. He bites his tongue most of the time instead of reacting to my anger, and when I flew for him in Miami, he has never brought it up again that I dared to lay hands on him. I know it’s a huge trigger for punishment, and yet, nothing.
changed … when
told me that before. He always made a point of making me believe the opposite, to wound me. It’s like hurting me
he read who I was wrong and that he thought it was all a
my tears, my reactions to what he did to me? Surely, he couldn’t think how I reacted in the Hamptons to
But then …
any angle to get her way, combined with his deep-set mistrust of any mere mortal without the Carrero
manipulate him in the first days of meeting him? My reputation for lies and deceit and cold-hearted opportunism preceded me. Alexi had to have known all about my colourful existence, and the way I made my money and manipulated men effortlessly.
and made me
me, and when I told him how I really felt, he destroyed my heart. I tried to tell
would never have gone the way it
is more about pulling me close and keeping me obedient. He gets more of
of thinking … keep her sweet … keep her amicable … keep her obedient. And we all
bed with a heavy sigh. The weight of heartache still lingering as a grey cloud over me and I walk out into the lounge with slow steps. I just feel wretched today, a doom and gloom hovering,
as he works on his laptop. He has his feet crossed on the coffee table, face down as he reads his screen, and I blink at him
hungry?’ he asks, spotting me. As if this is the most normal thing in the world for us, and I frown at him, not sure if I am still dreaming. There’s a weird air of domesticity in this
bed hair, probably really smudgy makeup from sleeping in it, and yesterday’s wrinkled dress. He doesn’t even seem to notice. I am the one
want them. Mico picked them up for you.’ His steady voice follows me to the counter and I avoid looking back knowing his eyes
cross paths very often.’ I point out, glancing back and catch Alexi’s instant frown. A hint of something in that face that makes me turn properly to stare at him, and I perch myself against the cupboard behind
avoids my eye hit me immediately, and I instantly know what he’s doing as a light bulb flips on in my head. He’s
at the stupidity of it and Alexi at least has the grace to remain silent. He flexes his neck trying to conceal a reaction, but I am slowly learning the
at how childish he’s being, if that truly is his reasoning, and get myself a dark look thrown my
awfully cosy. You know he’s engaged right?’ An angry tone, veiled in the calm slick voice and I burst out full-on laughing at him.
baby,’ I chuckle. Cute voice pandering to him and turn to fill the kettle, smug and
just shake my head and carry on with what I am doing. Pulling a mug over and getting the tea bags out
do, and lately I’m guessing all of those errands are away from here, and me. You’re so transparent.’ I answer smugly
he snaps back moodily, annoyed because I have caught onto his little naughty
than friendship. He doesn’t do it for me Carrero. He’s hot sure, but not my kind of hot.’ I am lapping it up, completely entertained that under all that intimidating bossy command, he is still an insecure little control freak who hates his toys giving anyone else the attention he demands. It’s
him my brightest smile. My whole mood a hell
you?’ I throw a mock pouted lip, and with the baby voice and sarcastic tone, he just throws me
He’s very annoyed!
only harder and pounding the keys a little aggressively, and that furrowed brow is
removed him … Right?’ I turn and butt my arse against the counter again and cross my arms over my bust as I wait for my hot water, picking him apart intensely, and
to like, a lot. I’m making sure it stays that way.’ Alexi is trying to cover his arse and
want him and I can tell the feeling is mutual; If you are worried that I have a softer spot for him than you … Maybe I did … but maybe I don’t anymore! Stop hiding your cousin in fear