‘Just a little bit of touching … You’re too irresistible to not want to touch.’ It’s a wink, a return of playful and yet my heart plummets.
Don’t go there, Alexi, please. I don’t want to fight again.
I mentally will him to not go down this route and just push his hand away as he smiles my way.
‘Did you have some sort of personality transplant when I was gone?’ I chide him, half serious and deflating inside, knowing that this was a dumb invitation to accept. There’s too much between us that comes out whenever we are left alone, and I don’t think we should try to build any sort of camaraderie outside of the club if this is anything to go by. History means there is so much tension and resentment lying in the silence that neither of us wants to air. I’m not that great a communicator, and he seems like he wants avoidance of the before too.
‘Maybe I just had a wake-up call … in more ways than one.’
‘Because your club went down the shitter and you realised you might actually need me?’ It comes out impulsively. Damn that quick bitch in me, and I throw him a knowing look aiming for sarcasm, still trying to jest in my witty banter even if there is a heavier tone to it. This time he looks me dead in the eye and it hits me a little more precisely.
‘Or I just realised I needed you without giving a shit about the club at all.’ Alexi throws me a serious look, something in his expression that makes me instantly terrified, heart pouncing up in my rib cage and I hit the instant sweats. I look away, breath eluding me as cold fear takes a grip on me all over.
‘Don’t go down this route, please Alexi. I can’t … just … stop the car. I’m getting out.’ Panic overtakes me, irrational internal hysteria that I know where this is heading. Straight to Alexi’s form of hell and heartbreak and I pull off my belt impulsively; Fully intending on jumping out of his moving car if he doesn’t stop, rather than be pulled into another emotional game where he fucks my head up and pushes me beyond my limits of coping.
I thought I was stronger than this when it came to him, but my heart is thudding and my head is spinning as my eyes well up with tears. I’m not as immune as I thought, and hints of him trying to pull me back down that road of caring about him send me into an all-out panic attack as the car closes in on me.
‘Cam, don’t be stupid. Put your belt back on,’ Alexi barks at me, reaching to grab me harshly as it slides off; Blinded by the claustrophobic need to just get away from him.
‘Stop the car,’ I repeat emotionally, tears overflowing pathetically now, and I go to grab the handle when he makes no effort to pull over. I yank it, so the door opens a click and then gasp with physical contact as I’m hauled sideways. Alexi grabs hold of me by the upper arm, pulls me towards him so there’s no way in hell I can jump out, and swerves his car to the side of the road recklessly, almost clipping the rear of a car in front and turns on me furiously.
‘What the fuck are you doing? Do you know how serious that could have gotten if you tried to get out of a moving vehicle, Cam?!?!’ he yells at me angrily, fierce-faced and gripping me as though his life depends on it, hurting me slightly with his force.
bullshit you are throwing at me!’ I yell straight back in his face, shocked impulse, trying like crazy to pull his hand from me but his fingers are biting
honest with you!’ Alexi bites back but I finally wrench free, losing his hot fingers around my slender arm,
here and do this, I’ll walk back to the club, get my shit and
haul myself upright out of the car and quickly start pacing back in the direction we came, body on fire and mind racing. I jump when Alexi comes up behind me at speed, catches me fast and spins me around to face him
arms towards him to steady me and keep me close and I just lash out and
different this time! I wouldn’t have come back if you hadn’t agreed. I won’t let you do this to me again … I won’t let you get back in my head with your mind games and veiled motives, to hurt me all over again. You promised!’ I wail
same power over me, despite everything, and all it took was a hint of pulling my heart towards him gently and he has me
try to fuck with you. You have to believe me, Cam.’ Alexi sounds strained, voice low and almost emotional, but I’m too
building crazily from deep down inside, and he seems to give
with you.’ He looks pensive, that face not giving much away but his voice is unusually hoarse, even if it’s soft-toned and low, and his eyes are boring into mine in an almost pleading way. Nodding at me as if
to sane as shame overwhelms me. Gutted that I just showed him how afraid of him I can be when it’s a case of my feelings being chewed up all over again. I exposed my weakness after saying I
told you that this had to be different or I would walk away,’ I remind him, shuddering with an emotional inhale, and Alexi lowers his hands slowly. Deliberate, precise movements that have the strange effect of helping me settle too. He’s being careful not to antagonise me and something in his manner is helping me come back down to
probably just wants me to stop drawing attention to us and get back in his car, but I’m still wringing myself out, riding the tears and painful stabs to my
go,’ I add strongly, making it clear that my boundaries are set, and playing with me mentally will
too, sombre toned and his eyes flicker
to go.’ It’s
only way this works.’ I lift my chin with one final swift sniff and stubborn
exhales slowly, he brings those pale greys up
you want … need … to stay. Then that’s what you get from me. I swear.’
drawing a lot of angry looks from pedestrians. Both doors are sitting slightly open and I take another steadying heavy breath to calm my nerves, reeling it all back in with a degree of control before I walk past him and