Shouldn't Have Kissed You novel Chapter 48

Maya turned herself away from the sun rays that were so much penetrating the curtains in the room that had become hers for the past one week. Another night of her not sleeping at all. To even think that it was one week and still she didn't get any sleep at all.

She drew the duvet on the over her head and tried to close her eyes. She did try and she had been doing that for those past days but the image of the Kimberly and her husband didn't let her close them for that long.

They were there. In front of her. Shouting at each other on things that she didn't even understand herself and then the revolution. The truth coming into light. That's when her world turned upside down. When she realized that she, she had not been the only victim in this relationship alone.

Maya pushed the covers away and walked to the bathroom. Her tears wouldn't let her be for the past one week. She thought that maybe she would cry for a day or two but they never stopped running down her cheeks.

She turned the shower on and stripped naked. Maybe the shower would help her in calming down. Help her understand why things had taken that direction. Why she wasn't the one who was pregnant. Instead, it was her ex husband lover who was.

Those were the answers she was seeking. The answers to why she couldn't never be happy with in her life. It's like the universe was against her happiness since the day she was born. Like she was never born to be happy but watch others get their happiness.

It hurt. It hurt that every single time that she got just a little bit of happiness something came her way. And how could it not hurt? She had a bother before who was her happiness but he walked away. He left her to pursue his dreams of becoming a soldier.

Then she met Chris. Her teenager crush who loved her for only few months. Maya had dreams and hopes. She had planned their future together. Their ups and downs and yet, her happiness was taken away from her by an innocent child. A child that knew no mistake of its parents. And who was she supposed to blame for her misfortune? Who?

She had no one. No one to blame but her bad lack. She was a bad omen as her father had grown calling her. She was even a murder as he used to call her. Wait, used to? He still called her that and now, if she used to wonder why, she had the answers now. She had them and it still hurt her. Wasn't she supposed to be happy to finally understand why her dad called her a murder? She was right?

But she was not. Instead it brought more sorrows to her than it did before. The cold water run down her body and the tears did. They still flowed despite the cold water that run down her. How could they stop if she still kept on thinking about her misfortune.

It wasn't fair that she had so many of them. But again the world itself isn't fair. Just as they say if you want fairness in these life, then you've to make it yourself. Like if you don't want to be poor, work hard for you not to be. That's how life is. You need to be a shark in the ocean and not a fish.

But how could she be shark when she was always the fish. The one that was eaten by the sharks. Kimberly was the shark. She had come back to survive and her survival was swallowing the fish which was her. Then how can a fish turn into being a shark? Her happy time was over and it was hard to believe it. Very hard.

Hard as it was with the night that everything changed. How do you accept that the man that you love was raped and he never told you that. Not even once did he see that you could handle such news. He didn't believe in her. Chris didn't trust her that much as to tell her shit.

And could she blame him? Of course not. Maybe she hadn't given him the reason to. She had not given him a chance to prove that he could trust her and that's why he suffered in silence. He made love to her pretending it didn't bring bad memories to him.

He fulfilled all her happiness and not ones did she think of asking if he was okay. She was selfish. Selfish enough to think of only herself and no one else. Selfish to let her husband down in such a way. And how does one make it up to that? How does one correct such mistakes? How?

Maya walked out of the bathroom with her shaking body. She didn't know if it's because of the cold shower or her crying body. Yes, her body was crying in more than one way. Maya pulled a grey sweatpants and a black sweater on her body before sitting on her bed.

She had nothing to do or she wasn't allowed to do anything in this house. Maya pulled her knees up and laid her chin on them. Her thoughts weren't giving her a chance to stop thinking. Her mind just wanted to run wild on its on and she had no energy in stopping it. How she she anyway when it was her reality. Or it's what had become of her. For crying out loud, she hadn't even showed herself in the hospital or even bothered to call.

It's like she even didn't care about her responsibility. Those patience were her responsibility and she didn't bother to as someone to take care of them? Again who was going to be her responsibility? Who was going to go about her anyway?

Was Chris even looking for her? Of course she didn't leave home for her to be searched. She didn't want to get attention of any one by leaving. She just wanted to think. To digest what had translated that evening. The revelation to sink in and she even didn't know she had left the mansion until a cab stood before her.

She was still dressed in her booty shorts. And when the cab stood of the big gate, she realized that she had asked the driver to bring her here. She was still crying and the cab driver being so kind enough he run the door bell and waited till it was opened.

He helped her out of his cab and when he was asked to wait for his cash, he said he helped a person in need and that was more than enough to him. Maya remembered him telling that everything will be alright and all she did was nod her head. And that night she explained her situation to her....

Maya's thoughts were cut short by the knock on the door.

"May I come in?" Bernice asked as her head came to view at the door.

Maya smiled at her and sat up well as she told her mother in law to come in. Yes, she had come to her when ever thing went to south. She run to her or her mind knew she was the only one who would understand her pain. And it was right.

Bernice had treated more than she was supposed to. I mean, what kinda mother in law would chose to heal her daughter in law's pain instead of her hurting son? Apparently it was Bernice. And all she had to do was be there for Maya. Show her love and affection that Maya had failed to show Chris.

"I'll not get tired of telling you this dear," Bernice said to Maya as she took her hands into hers. "Let God fight your battles dear. He has a reason why somethings have to happen the way they do."

Of course He had plans for every reason and that's why He took her happiness away from her when she got one. He never wanted her happy. That's even why He never gave her a chance to meet her mother. To experience motherly love. And He had plans for her? He had His reasons for putting her in such a spot? He sure did have plans for her. He sure did. And they weren't happy ones. But miserable once.

But she wasn't going to say that to her mother in law. She wasn't going to say, 'hey mother, guess what, I stopped believing in Him a week a go,' she wasn't going to do that.

"I think this battle I'll fight on my own." Maya said smiling sadly at her mother in law. That was better than saying I no longer believe. "I think He has fought so many of mine that I think its time I fought this one."

Bernice rubbed her daughter in law's back. "He never gets tired of fighting for us Maya. He will never do that. God is faithful and I think you've learned or seen His faithfulness in your patience. He never forsakes and He won't start now, dear." She said looking into those swollen green eyes that no longer had life in them. It's like they're giving up when they weren't supposed to do that.

"The reasons why we face more challenges in our lives is because we fight our on battles. We never let God fight for us. And I think it's time we gave God His battles back. God wants His battle Maya. He wants to fight for you and not you to fight for yourself. Do you get me?"

She did but how to do that she had no idea do she just nodded her head. Bernice was a mother that Maya never got to meet. She was always there for her from the word go. And Maya would never regret ever meeting her. She has regretted so much in her life but Bernice will never be one of them.

Bernice pulled Maya into a hug and rubbed her back as Maya took deep breaths.

"Someone came in late yesterday to see you but I didn't let disturb your sleep." Bernice said when she pulled away from the embrace. "That's why I came to fetch you."

Maya thought it was Alma but Alma never waited downstairs for her. In fact when she came, she came with a tray of food to her to room just to force it down her throat. So who would be looking for her? She turned away from Bernice to think of the possible someone but none came in the picture.

It wasn't Chris. He must be mad a her for being selfish. For her not seeing his pain for all those months. For months and she saw nothing. What does that make of her? What does that tell of her? He must hate her so much. Hate her for sharing three good intimate months together yet she saw nothing at all. She didn't even have a hint of anything.

And yet she had the guts to fight with him over him firing Kimberly? Hell she was so stupid and stupid people like her didn't deserve anyone's love. They didn't even deserve to leave because what's the reason when you see no shit around you? She didn't deserve his love and it was good that he didn't come looking for her.

Maya looked at Bernice and smiled her but she was sure it never reached her eyes. It didn't matter how hard she wanted it to reach because it didn't. She got up and walked after Bernice down the corridors of her long hallway.

Maybe one of her friends had figured it out of her where about and they were her to see if she was okay.

"Momma, can I see her now?" Chris asked turning around to look at them only then did he realise that she was there with his mother.

Maya swallowed hard. Why did he come to her? Why was he there? Yes it was his house but still. She had hoped, she had prayed that it wasn't him. Wait a minute, did she just pray? The last time she prayed was in an operation room. That's when she prayed. And that was eight days ago. Yes, that long.

Maya didn't move from where she had stopped. It's funny that her legs didn't move when she wanted them to. Few days ago they moved when she didn't want them to and now when she wants them to they aren't. What do we call that? She also had no idea.

With her legs glued on the ground, her eyes scanned her husband. He had changed in a week. She could notice his loose of weight but not that much. He hadn't shaved also. And his eyes. Those beautiful eyes that she loved to watch while they united were swollen.

They looked like they has not slept for the past few days and it hurt her. Her heart was bleeding for him. It was beating for him also. And in a way she was happy to see that he was okay. That he still breathed despite everything.

Chris smiled at her and unlike her, his smiled reached his swollen eyes. It was genuine and if her heart didn't bleed before, it sure did now.

"Cupcake." He called taking slow measurable steps towards her.

"I'll leave you two to talk." Bernice said walking away from the room. She didn't miss the pleading eyes of Maya but they had to whatever they had gotten themselves in. Alone.

"Cupcake." Chris called again drawing Maya away from her pleading eyes which looked where Bernice had disappeared into. He was now in front of her.

And before Maya could do anything, Chris pulled her into his embrace. God, he smelled good as always. A smell that she had missed for those eight days. She missed the warmth that even radiated from his body to hers. She missed her husband so much. She missed her fiancee more than she thought she could ever miss anyone. She missed him more than anything in this world.

"Kitten." Chris called pulling away from her. "Are you okay? Why did you leave me like that. I was going crazy without you. I couldn't even sleep worrying to death about your where abouts. I went to hospitals and police stations to even check you there in more than five time a day. Please never do that because I know I won't survive without you. Okay?"

Maya pulled away letting his hands fall on his side. "What are you doing here Chris?"

That's not what she wanted to ask. It was never going to be a question when she thought of the day she will meet with him. She wanted to tell his not to worry about her. Not to ever give up in leaving for his unborn kid. To never worry about her safety but his. That's what she wanted to tell him. That's all she did want to say all this past days.

"What do you mean, Maya?" Chris asked with hurt. "I came to take me wife home with me Maya and don't think for a second that I'm leaving without you."

"Wife?" Again her mouth was the one talking and not her. You know, like it had its own mind. "What kinda wife do you think you've Chris? The one who doesn't see her husband's pain? The one who doesn't even..."

"Maya, what are you talking about? I never told you no shit." He took her hand into his. "I'm sorry Maya. I'm really sorry."

"You shouldn't be Chris. I am so selfish that I only thought of myself and myself alone. I should have seen your pain. I should have done something to help you."

"Maya, how could you've known that I was raped when I never told you anything. I mean, it happened four months ago and I had those months to tell you. One month earlier we're friends and I chose to keep it to myself. That even proves that I never trusted you enough to tell you my pain."

"That maybe true Chris but I still failed you. You didn't trust me enough to tell me what happened to you because I never made you feel like you can trust me. I mean we're a couple. We should fight this pain together and yet you fought on your own."

"I never fought on my own Maya. I had a psychologist whom I visited every Wednesday afternoon." He let go of her hand and comped his hair with his hands. "Maya, I had your love to keep me going and never once did I remember of that horrible day with you. I admit that I did remember it but not with you. Please believe. You're always there for me in more ways than you think you've Maya. So please let's go home."

"I can't Chris. I'm sorry."

Chris looked at her and she saw the shock on his face. How could she explain it to him? Explain that there life's will never be the same. That she had failed him in more ways than one. That it wasn't him who called the shots anymore and neither was she.

"What do you mean you can't, cupcake." He asked his slowly trying so hard not to shout and she could tell that because it was almost a year since she began to leave with him. "I'm not mad at you and I hope you're not."

"You should hate me, Chris."

"And what right do I've got that?"

"Aren't you listening to me? I'm your wife for crying out loud. I'm supposed to feel your pain and I didn't. You're supposed to hate me."

"I thought we're passed that Maya?" He was now mad.

"Well, we're not Chris. We can't move on from where we left from." She tried to reason. "We can't pretend nothing happened."

"I'm not saying we should pretend. You said that we're man and wife and we should fight together. And yes nothing will be the same again but we've to stick together. I love you Maya. You're my life and I can't leave without you. Or don't you love me anymore?"

"Chris." Maya called him. "I love you but..."

"But what Maya?" He couldn't hold it anymore. He was shouting at her. "I'm a lesser man for you? I'm a weakling who got raped? I mean what kinda strong man gets raped, right? Is that why you no longer want me as your husband? Do I disgust you now? Tell me Maya. Do I mak..."

Slap. And another. That's what stopped him from going on. He was shooting red when he looked up at her but she didn't care. He was talking nonsense and she wasn't going to stand there and listen. If hitting him was what was going to keep him quite, then she will do it again and again.

"What right do you've to judge me? Uhh..." If he could get mad she also could get mad. "How selfish of you to think of yourself Mr. Just a wake up call, the world doesn't revolve around anymore and neither does it revolve around us. I don't even know if there is anymore Chris. Do you think that it's easy.

"Easy for me to always know at the back of my mind that your have an innocent child out of wedlock? That that kid may grow up thinking that I'm the reason it grew up without a complete family? Do you think I'll just follow you because you came looking for me? It's high time you thinking of your child first before anything else."

"What are you talking about Maya? I never planned for this to happen. Hell I'm not even sure if that kid is mine and if it is why did Kim take four months to show up? Why did she show at our door step shaking like a leaf the way she did? I won't thing of that kid until I'm sure it's mine."

"Don't be ridiculous Chris, she even can with the prove herself. Remember the pregnant results which show that the baby is yours, remember? Don't tell me you need DNA test to be sure."

The look in his face told her the answer before he even spoke up.

"Maya don't be so naive. A woman capable of rape is also capable of passing her pregnancy to someone else."

She wasn't being naive. Or maybe she was but she saw the true in Kimberly that night. She saw it and her shaking at there door step was because it was called that night. What else would make her shiver if not coldness. Right?

"I can't do this Chris, I'm so sorry." She moved to walk away but he pulled her right back to him.

Chris held her close that they breathed the same air. No space was left between the two of them and he missed the closeness between them.