I know I’m getting to see him, finally, but everything about that interaction breaks me open and I roll over into my cushions to sob it all out.
Crying in pain, that’s not too dissimilar to mourning my entire family, ten years ago. I feel worse now I’ve spoken to him briefly. This feels as much of a loss as then, even if it seems crazy and not even a comparison. Like something awful is coming and that when I see him, it will only serve to cause me more devastation.
A nagging voice of logic and haste in the back of my head pulls me out of my dark depressive state, and reminds me that if I want to get to the forest within the hour, I need to get up and motivate myself. In human form, it's a trek and a half, and I need time to get ready. I’ve been living in my nightwear for days.
In wolf form I'll get there in minutes but completely naked, and I haven't yet tried to turn of my own accord. Too preoccupied to even attempt it and wouldn't know how to start without a little practice. I need to shower, change, make myself look half human at least, and hide the dark circles and shadows from pining my days away. I don’t want him to see me at my worst.
My body is weighed down with lethargy when I drag myself up, and it takes all my will power to haul ass to the bathroom moments later.
Desperate to find some relief in the meeting, even if the outcome won't be what my heart hopes. Torn in two though, with a little shining light of delusional hope, telling me that maybe what he needs, and wants to do face to face, is mark me as his mate. That maybe we can do this in secret and find a way to be together. Or maybe not.
I still cannot seem to get to grips with how this can be. How imprinting on a relative stranger can completely derail everything you knew before and make you so insanely in need of them that you would tie your life up in theirs just to be able to breathe. Pushing that person into the center of everything and craving them with the intensity of severe addiction.
I know more about him than anyone in my life and I have barely spoken to him. My mind is a chaotic mess of his life and mine, which once ran separate, yet now coincides and memories blur into one another. I have mental images of him at every age and random knowledge about things most people never know of their mate. I know everything he does, about himself, his life, his family, and I’m guessing the same goes for him too. You truly merge when imprinting and now I see why it's so rare and so potent when it happens. You lose control of everything and the only thing which matters from there on in, is your mate.
We are one. In every way possible.
I wash quickly, dress, and dry my hair at speed, and attempt to fix my face to hide the blotchiness of my tears. Make up was never my thing, but this sudden obsessive adoration for makes me want to look my best for him, even if our meeting has a tone that doesn’t spell happy ever after for me. I need to have hope.