Now and Forever

She died.

My mom- my birth giver, died.

She deserved so much respect than I gave her the day of her funeral. Everyone was crying but me. Who even does that?

She died and I've been trying so hard to avoid that fact.

But it's the truth and I have to accept it.

Last week's... event.. was well.. horrible.. and it made me realize how much I would've needed my mom if he finished what he'd started but she isn't here. She's gone.

Why did I try so hard to avoid feeling the grief and pain that came along with her death you may ask? It's because I wanted to be strong for everyone one else; dad, Sophie and even Bella.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until Lucas wiped what seemed like a tear off my cheek and smiled when I looked at him. He really was the cutest little thing in the world..

Why would anyone want to leave- abandon him just like that? The world is really full of horrible people..

Alexander has been.. supportive? He comes home from work and ask if 'I'd eaten anything' to which I'd reply with a 'yes' or a nod, he'd also ask if I 'needed anything from the store' and if I did I'd tell him or if I didn't I would say no.

That's it. Those are the only sentences he'd say to me. He'd also keep an eye on Lucas while I had a little time to myself for things like cooking -not really my own time but still helps when a two year old isn't clinging too your leg- showering and cleaning.

He wouldn't look at me- okay not in the way I would want him to look at me..

He wouldn't look below my neck when talking to me and that really made me insecure. Like, was I getting fat already??? Was I not sexy anymore- I don't know if I ever was but you get the point!

Back to Alexander... he would go to work after I'd woken up and would come back before I went to bed. It was kind of sweet but I still felt lonely. All I had was Lucas, I hadn't even told Bella about him because I don't think Alexander would want that- I'll only tell her when he says it's okay.

I wonder when that'll be...

"Milia?" Lucas looked down, suddenly looking all shy and nervous, "Hmm?" I lifted him up and put him in my lap, stroking his hair when he'd gotten comfortable.

"Are you my mommy?" What? Hold on- pause. Repeat??

What do I say?? Should I say yes? What if Jessica comes back?? Should I say no? What if I break his little heart?? Oh god... what do I do???

The door opened -thank god- and I pulled my attention away from Lucas as did he. And as expected, Alexander walked in and my heart sped up. I have some serious problems...

"Did you have lunch?" Hello to you too.. I nodded, "did you take your vitamins?" That's a new one.. I nodded again.1

He curtly nodded and walked off somewhere into the closet. I was literally wearing a tube top and he didn't look down one bit... I wore this obnoxiously uncomfortable top for no freaking reason.

Maybe I really was not 'sexy' anymore.. but do I care what he thinks? Oh hell no! Let him try being pregnant.. okay, who am I trying to convince? I obviously care what he thinks when he looks at me.

Damn, loving someone really is painful... wait- NO. Did I just- holy shit! Oh my god oh my god oh my god- what the actual fuck?!

"Milia?" Lucas brought me back from my internal battle, "yes?" I tried to suppress the fact that I just said the 'l' word and continued stroking his hair.

"Are you my mommy?" He didn't forget? What am I supposed to tell him now? I looked at the door, waiting for some kind of distraction but it never came.

"No Lucas, I'm not you're mommy, Jessica is," his face fell and his lip started quivering, "but I'm your mama," I smiled when a huge grin spread across his cute face, a huge dimple appearing on his cheek.

There's really no difference between those two words but he's two, he doesn't know any better...

The door opened and as if Lucas knew what was coming next, he crawled off my lap and got on the floor- with my help of course- Mingo secured in his arm.

I sighed and fell back on the

Bella? Yes- no? I'm gonna

rings, "I love him," why did it feel so wrong yet so right to say

you just wait a second!" She shouted at someone else before returning

rolled over to my side, "you

you busy? I

"wait no- hello?"

good at all. She's going to see Lucas. What if Lucas does not want

rang and my ears perked up at this. There's no

"Alexis? What-"

top, really like your

"Okay then... hi-"

in..?" I sighed and opened

buy

"Alexis-"

vase,

"What? No-"

many," she whined as she made her way to the kitchen, me following behind, "fine!

"Do you have-"

is up

continued rummaging through the fridge, "what are you doing here?" I asked quickly

now," she said oh so casually and took

do you guys have so many colorful divided plastic

"You can't just-"

sippy cups as well? I've always wanted

yellow cup out of her hand and put it back where she'd

"Lucky Charms!"

doing here?" I took the box

me for a few seconds, contemplating on whether to tell me or not, "fine," she sighed and made her way over

she started off, "why?" I pushed when she

of Tony," I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms, "what did Tony

did," she sighed and buried her

Wait-

the kitchen door, "who's kid is that and why does he call you

hip, Alexander appeared at the doorway, freezing when he saw

Well this is awkward...

no one in particular and disappeared into the pantry,

***

coloring away on a paper, "I mean, he looks like him but I can't believe it- and why didn't that bitch Jessica tell us about him??" I shrugged and switched off the stove, leaving the pot on

I have so many questions..." she groaned and rested her head

was sitting, far away from the stove and picked up his paper, "what is this?" I asked after failing at guessing what he'd

Lucas, it's really pretty," now I can see the smudges of green

put it on the fridge?" I smiled and he vigorously shook his head

the fridge before turning my attention back to Alexis who just looked at

mom," I rolled my eyes playfully before

for me?" I smiled sweetly at Alexis, a tray of food and water in my hands, "why doesn't he just

shuffled over to where my phone was ringing I the countertop and picked it up before Alexis could say anything else, "yeah?"

so so

sure he wasn't anywhere

why?" I chuckled before answering, "it's just okay, do I need to have