If It's Only Love (Lexi Ryan) novel Chapter 34

Shay

I’m officially avoiding my apartment. I started packing it up yesterday in an emotional rush of energy. Even if I planned to stay in Jackson Harbor, and I don’t, I’d have to leave my tiny third-floor walk-up. It won’t be practical with a baby, never mind that it only has one bedroom.

I go to Teagan’s and smile when she opens the door. “Can I hang for a while?”

“Always.”

“Want to order in? I think I’m officially past the no-appetite part of this pregnancy and into the clichéd cravings part.”

“I . . .” Her gaze shifts to the living room just beyond the foyer.

And that’s the moment when I realize Teagan isn’t home alone. In the living room, Carter stops with a beer halfway to his lips. And halfway between me and the couch, Easton stands paralyzed, staring at me in wide-eyed shock.

“Easton’s here,” she says quietly. “Nic took both girls to gymnastics.”

Shit. I wasn’t ready for this yet. I might not ever be.

I turn around and open the door she just closed, pushing outside onto the porch.

“You sonofabitch!” I hear Carter say behind me. “I listened to your whole damn sob story, and now you’re telling me you got my sister pregnant?”

I close the door before I can hear Easton’s response. The porch swing is either too high or I’m too short, because my feet dangle a good foot off the ground as I let the swing rock me back and forth.

When the door opens again, I look up expecting to see Teagan, but it’s Easton stepping out onto the porch with me. Easton, who doesn’t want to raise another man’s baby again. Easton, who just wants a simple life where he can focus on his daughter and avoid all the drama.

He studies the spot next to me, and whether because of my mood or because he can’t stomach the thought of being that close to me right now, he seems to think better of sitting there and leans against the porch rail instead. His jaw ticks as he stares at me. “You’re pregnant.”

I nod jerkily.

“And it’s not . . .”

I shake my head. I wish it were Easton’s. The thought takes me back to when I was twenty years old and so immature, trying to wish myself pregnant so maybe he’d choose me over Scarlett. But of course, I wasn’t. Easton was always too careful for that.

He pivots and faces the street. Good. Maybe this’ll be easier if I can’t see his face. Even if . . . even if watching him turn his back on me shakes me at my fault lines.

“I didn’t know until this week,” I say. I cannot stand the idea of him thinking even for a minute that I’m like his ex-wife—that I would have deceived him the way she did.

“That’s why you asked, though,” he says. “Monday . . . when you asked if I’d make the same choice.”

I swallow. “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now, and I don’t blame you. I’m leaving for the airport in the morning.”

He spins to face me. “What?”

“For the interview in L.A.”

“Your brother’s getting married on Saturday.”

That’s what he’s worried about? That I’ll miss the wedding? “I’ll be home in time for the family dinner Friday night, no worries.”

“I mean . . . You’ve put family first. You decided to stay, and now you’re gonna run away and leave them all behind?”

I don’t want to talk about moving away from my family. I just . . . can’t. I shrug uselessly.

“Does he know?”

“He knows.”

“And is he going to L.A. with you?”

“No.” Does he think that’s how this works? That if I can’t have him, I’ll take George, despite the lies? Despite the fact that my heart belongs to Easton? My thoughts muddle and blur, and the world around me seems hazy. “All I know is I have to have a way to take care of this baby. I have to make that my priority.”

He closes his eyes. “By moving to L.A.”

“There are some things that aren’t clear to me, but I want to be a mom. This baby was unexpected and unplanned but not unwanted.”

“How can you say that when he is the father? He was married and slept with you.”

“So were you!” I push myself off the swing. I shouldn’t have come here. But one thing is clear. I have to move. Because I don’t think I can survive seeing Easton all the time and knowing he’ll never be mine.

“Were you going to tell me?”

“I should’ve told you the second you opened your door on Monday. I know that. I just . . .” What excuse do I have? I wanted one more time with you? I didn’t think my heart would survive losing you a third time?

His eyes are watery, and he tilts his face up to the ceiling of the covered porch. “Trying to raise this baby alone in L.A. is a big mistake.”

“I don’t need your approval.” I walk to where I parked my car on the street, only looking back when I open the door. He’s not running after me. He’s just standing there, staring at the ground. I didn’t realize that part of me was hoping that when circumstances turned against us a third time, he might choose me anyway. And watching him stand there, watching him let me go, I feel my heart break once more.

Easton

Shay walked away, and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

It’s been an hour since she stormed off the porch at her brother’s house and left me behind to deal with my shock and confusion.

She’s having his baby.

There’s part of me that keeps waiting for her to track me down and say it was all a bad joke. A mistake. Anything.

We’ve never been able to get the timing right. Before I left for L.A., she was too young. Then Scarlett was pregnant; then Abi was sick. And now . . .

She’s having his baby.

“You look like hell,” Carter says, sliding into the booth across from me.

Shay walked away, and I came to Jackson Brews. I let the nanny know I’d be home late, and I fully intended on getting completely shitfaced. But so far I haven’t had more than a couple of sips of my beer, and the double Bulleit I ordered sits untouched in front of me.

“You okay?” he asks.

“She’s having his baby.” The words are no easier to say after an hour of hearing them on repeat in my head.

Carter grabs my bourbon and takes a big swig, grimacing a little as he puts it back down. “The situation’s so fucked up. First of all, I can’t even wrap my brain around Shay getting involved with this guy to begin with, but then, get this—according to Teagan, she had a talk with him and they agreed he wouldn’t be part of the baby’s life. Who does that?”

I snap my head up. “She said that?”

“Apparently. Teagan said she didn’t want George involved, and he was uninterested.” He shakes his head. “Seriously, he’s just gonna have a kid out there and not even care?” Carter releases a humorless laugh at my arched brow. “Right. I guess you’d know something about that with your dad.”

“I never understood it either. My first thought when I found out Scarlett was pregnant was just to figure out the best way I could be a dad to the kid.”

“And then it turned out you weren’t Abi’s dad at all.”

“Don’t say that.” The words come out harsher than I intended, but I don’t care when his felt like a blow.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know, but Abi and I talk about it. We talk about how words matter and we choose the words we use for our relationship. While I might not be her biological father, I am her dad. That has nothing to do with DNA. Fuck, look at my father. He’s the best evidence to prove that doesn’t mean shit.”

“I’d say you’re the best evidence of that, East. You are a great dad to Abi.”

The pride on his face makes my throat go thick, and I have to swallow a lump of emotion I’m not equipped to deal with right now. “Thanks.”

He leans back in the booth. “I’m supposed to let my little sister raise a baby on her own in another state?”

“She’ll land on her feet. This is Shay.” But it burns like hell.

“It’s not that I don’t think she can do it. She’s going to be an amazing mom. But hell, Easton. I watched your mom. It was so much harder for her than it was for my parents, and there were six of us. It’s just harder without a partner, and I don’t want that for her.” He sighs. “Also something you’re familiar with.”

I roll my pint glass back and forth between my palms. “Not exactly. Scarlett might not be the most consistent parent, but she is involved. She loves Abi and makes sure she knows it. That alone is worth so much.”

“Where’s your head with all this?” Carter asks. “Is this . . . The baby, the move to L.A.—is it really a deal breaker for you?”

“She didn’t give me a chance to make a decision. She didn’t even tell me, just changed her plans to exclude me.” I realize that’s the part that hurts the most. She was ready to leave for her interview without telling me at all. Was she going to wait until the news made its way back to me through the grapevine? Or maybe she planned to call me from California and tell me from there. Was she too scared, or did she—

I cut the thought off before it can fully form. I know she wasn’t planning to pretend the kid was mine. That’s not how Shayleigh functions.

“Teagan said Shay’s a mess about it,” Carter says, and I know he’s poking around for more.

“That makes two of us.”

He takes another sip from my bourbon. “Sorry. I didn’t realize I needed this.”

I shake my head. “That’s okay. You can have it. I don’t have the stomach for the hard stuff tonight, after all.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah,” I say wearily. The last person to preface a question with that was Shay. She wanted to know what I would have done if I’d known Abi wasn’t mine. In retrospect, it’s pretty obvious that she didn’t tell me about her pregnancy on Monday because I gave the wrong answer. Every second since she walked away from me this afternoon, I’ve been mentally poking at my answer—testing it for inaccuracies. But I gave her my honest response.

“Are you in love with my sister?”

“Fuck, I thought you were going to ask me something difficult. Yes. Of course I’m in love with her. Madly.”

Carter’s eyes widen and his jaw goes slack. I’ve shocked him. I don’t know if he wasn’t expecting that answer or if he wasn’t expecting it to come out so easily. “Wow. I thought you two might be on your way there, but . . . already?”

“Always.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “And I’m pretty sure it goes both ways.”

“Me too,” he says softly. “But if you love her, why are you letting her do this?”

I scrub a hand over my face. “Fuck, Carter. I think she might be a better person than me, because she stepped back twice. Two times she stepped back so I could do what I needed to do for my daughter. And if she wants to move to L.A. and raise this kid on her own, then I . . .”

“You don’t want her to stay?”

“Yes, I want her to stay. I want her to be here with you guys. She’ll be all alone out there. I want her to have help.” I shake my head. “I know her well enough to know she thinks this makes her like Ann. I bet she doesn’t want your mom to find out that the father is married.” Other than that foolish slip with Shay, Carter’s the only one I ever told about Frank’s infidelity.

“Since when does Shay know about Ann?”

I drop my gaze to the table, and Carter curses. “I shouldn’t have said anything. In the moment, I was trying to explain that I want to be as good a father as Frank was.”

“By bringing up that you thought he was a cheater? Jesus, Easton, it’s not even true.”

I lift my head. “What?”

“It’s not even true. When my mom was sick, when we thought we might lose her too, I finally talked to her about it, and she said it’s not true.”

“But your father sold the whole business. Ann said he was in love with her but felt awful about it and sold the business as a way to recommit to his family.”

“Ann was his assistant at the construction company. If she was the problem, he could have just replaced her. He sold the company and started the brewing business because that’s what he wanted to do.” Carter swirls the bourbon in its glass. “She was in love with Dad. Mom knew, but Dad didn’t reciprocate. It was awkward, but Ann had a kid at home, so Mom and Dad didn’t want her to lose the job, and since plans to sell were already in the works, Dad just rode it out.”

I think back to the woman Mom called a friend for so many years. Why did I believe her when Frank never gave me a reason to believe he was capable of being unfaithful? “I can’t believe I spent all this time taking Ann’s word for it.”

“I can’t believe you told my sister. Jesus, how long has she been walking around thinking our father was a cheater?”

Shame heats the back of my neck. “Since the night of his funeral.”

He releases a colorful string of curses then drains his glass. “Well, you’re gonna have to fix that shit. Dad loved Mom. Beginning to end. Even if that story had been true, using him as an excuse to stay in a bad marriage was bullshit.”

I lift my beer with a shaking hand and take a sip. Then another. “I’ve always been afraid I’d turn out like my father. All I knew to do to prevent it was follow Frank’s lead.”

“But you weren’t following his lead. Your lives were nothing alike. You were just doing what you thought was right, and anyone who sees you with Abi knows you’re nothing like your dad. You did the best you could for her, and she’s turned out great.” He pauses a beat. “But this isn’t about Abi. This is about Shay. Be honest, do you only want her to stay because you think she’d be better off close to family, or do you want her to stay close to you?”

“It’s complicated.” I shake my head. “I love her, I want her, but I can’t pretend this pregnancy doesn’t change anything. I don’t know if I can raise another man’s kid.”

“Seems like you’re doing a pretty good job of it with Abi.”

“It would be different this time. Knowing out the gate . . . Would I treat the child differently? Would I always favor Abi and scar the other kid for life?”

“Is that really what you’re worried about?”

“I don’t know. I’m fucked up about this right now, and that’s the most honest answer I can give you. I know I’m the worst kind of hypocrite. I hate the idea of her having his baby, but I have no idea how to let her go.”

Carter gives me a sad smile. “But you’re a fucking adult, so you either have to learn to be okay with the first or figure out the second.”

“She’s not going to give me a chance to be okay with anything. I found out by accident, and I’d barely processed it before she walked away.”

“Maybe after the last two times, she’s having trouble believing that this time you would choose her.” He pushes an envelope across the table. “She asked Teagan to give this to you. I offered to deliver it.”

Carter leaves, and I don’t even say goodbye. I stare at the envelope, at my name written in Shayleigh’s loopy script on the front. I don’t know how long I sit there like a coward before I find the courage to open it.

Shay’s a writer, a fucking genius with words, so I expected a long letter. Instead, I get two sentences.

I never blamed you for choosing Abi. Even when it hurt, I always loved that about you.