Big Bad Alphas

I sit on our bed thinking about what to say, about what to do when Eric and I come face to face again. Kendra is in the shower, and I sit here, waiting for her, but truly using the time to think and nervously wait. Eric is in the office still, and I do not know if he is almost done. Caroline and Lucas came back with Heath, and Heath went into the office, told to me by Caroline before she went off with Lucas again, this time for themselves.

I envy the two of them, as they are still caught up in the early phase. Everything, in the beginning, was exciting and new. When were we going to kiss? What was his family going to be like? Will I ever see my sister again? What about sex—did he want it? The smell of him drove me insane, to the point of t-shirt swiping, and now here I sit, alone, anxious, waiting to find out if my latest mistake is small enough to be forgotten. I remember when I used to help him, when I used to calm him, lecture him when I was in control. He would ask for a kiss, and I would have the restraint to say no. I knew he wanted it then, but now, after I have risked the pack, I'm not sure if he wants it anymore.

In the beginning, he would listen to me describe anything just to hear me talk. Now I hold my breath just so he will talk to me.

Maybe the Mate bonds magic has worn off. I told him I loved him, and that moment was wonderful, but now that it's over we just simply love each other. All has been revealed. Maybe he feels the same. Maybe neither of us were meant for a life like this—a life belonging to someone else.

Whenever I am upset, I think differently. I only focus on the negatives, and I hate it afterward. Why must I see only darkness in our future? Later I will reflect on the bright side, the family aspects, the pack, and my friendships.

Everyone is like this. When we are sad, we think negatively. When we are happy, we think positively. If one has the power to think about the good side with a depressed mind, well good for them. It makes sense, to think about the good to cheer yourself up. I have done this artificially.

When I was younger, upset because Talia might have said something mean to me at school, I would lay on my bed and cry. After a few moments have passed, after the heaviest tears have fallen, I would force myself to be happy. I would think of the good and lift myself out of the hole. Most of the time I knew I was lying to myself, but at the moment I didn't care.

So here I am now, sitting, apparently depressed and disappointed with myself. What am I going to do? Am I going to plaster on the smile and pretend until I no longer feel pain, or continue in my puddle of sadness? Part of me wants to continue, but Kendra emerges from the bathroom, and the smile is already on, the glue already drying.

"Let's do something," she smiles back and rushes to me, jumping up onto the bed.

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I want Caroline again."

I sigh. "She's busy right now, buddy."

"Well, I want to go swimming then, like you said we would."

Maybe it was the down part of me or the fueled part, but swimming off pack lands sounded like an escape. I know Eric said no, but with a few guards, we will be fine.

Kendra changes into her swimsuit, not caring that she showered herself clean only to get dirty again.

Maybe I am digging myself a deeper hole, finding more ways for Eric to be upset with me. I should tell Kendra that we can't swim—I really should—but I don't.

Together, the two of us leave the house and head towards the borders. Once there, I talk with a few guards and ask them to watch us, which they happily agree to, as I am technically their Luna after all. How could they refuse to protect me?

One asks if I would like the Alpha to be informed of my location since I am going off of territory, but I lie again, saying that he already knows. Maybe I am setting myself up, and truthfully I know I am, but as long as I pretend it's okay, the world cannot hurt me anymore.

Lately, I have been delusional.

he poisoned me with his lips. Maybe

in without a care,

got to me, though. All his questions, his compliments, his understanding, at the moment it felt genuine. He must have wanted me to turn against Eric,

to the point where I cannot swim to the bottom without horrible pressure in my ears. My arms flail around in the water as

The guards have neared.

continue to hang around the lake, now on the shore. I lay in the pebbles while Kendra carves a message or picture with a stick. Sitting up, I watch as she finishes

"A lot," she murmurs.

"More than at home?"

"Yes, because you're here."

lay back down. "Would

course. You're my sister," she says with an unmistakable tone. "Wherever

a life of your own,

"What do you mean?"

find your mate, make your own friends, build a life for yourself," I explain. "It's like a

frowns. "Will you not be

will be, just not

it is

"Yeah, like it is

and I contemplate returning to the house or not. The guards urge us to step back on pack territory, as the forest is not safest at night, so we do. I thank the guards and walk back

tell her. "I'd feel better if the lake water wasn't

"Okay. I'm hungry."

dinner then. You shower

Kendra possibly sees Marina as the grandmother she never had, as our grandparents died before we got to meet them. It makes me happy that she has this connection with her. Marina is someone to look up to. "Don't you want to change first?" I

"No, I

that I'll be right back down, before heading to the bedroom. Expecting it to be empty, my heart is calm, no nervous racing. When I open the

empty, so I grab my things and use the guest bathroom. I shut the door behind me, walk down

my peaceful state of mind, an array of noises catch my attention. A door opening, a door closing, footsteps,

An abrupt shout escapes me, and I nearly slip at the sight of my Mate barging in the bathroom. Swiftly my arms cover what needs to be covered, and I

"I told you not to leave Pack land," he says firmly, not fazed by my nakedness or the

My entire face is cast with color. "Are

"Why did you

The tone of his voice frightens me. I know this tone, and it is not the tone of my Mate,