I tear my eyes away from Logan's as I reach the base of the stairs. I wanted her to see me grab Alyssa, and now that she has, I can't look at her any longer. .
I'm numb, but not from the alcohol, as I remove my arm from Alyssa's shoulders and reach for her hand instead. I feel her long nails graze against my hand, and her fingers interlock with mine. This feels wrong, but I repress the nagging ache in my chest as we continue up the stairs. I don't know what the fuck just happened, but I do know I need a distraction right now, and Alyssa can help with that.
Once we reach the upstairs hallway, she makes a b-line for my bedroom door, pulling me behind her.
"No. Not in there." I tell her as I gently yank her back.
She turns around and sticks out her bottom lip, pouting. "But why not?" She whines in her annoyingly high-pitched voice.
"Because no one is allowed in my room. You know the rules." I tell her, plainly.
"Fine." She says as she rolls her eyes and sighs dramatically. "Where are we doing this, then?" She bites her lip and cocks her head as she runs her fingernails from my chest to my pants' waistband. She reaches for the button above my zipper and unfastens it without breaking eye contact with me.
I'm trying to remember where the open rooms in this house are now. I can't recall who all moved in and moved out this semester, but I don't want to waste time to find out.
I spot the bathroom across the hall and nod my head in its direction. "In there," I tell her.
She turns her head and looks at the door down the hall, then back to me, giving me a smirk. She wraps her hand around the bottom of my shirt and leads me towards the bathroom.
As we near it, I'm suddenly reminded of the night I met Logan. She ran into me, spilling my drink down the front of my shirt, in this very bathroom; In this very doorway. I remember the flurry I felt in my stomach and the lack of oxygen in my lungs when I saw her for the first time. I can still picture her embarrassed face perfectly as she apologized for being clumsy. She was so sweet and so flustered. That is, until I was an asshole, just like tonight.
I don't know what went wrong in that alley. Everything was amazing; we were amazing. I didn't even give Logan a chance to tell me why she thought we were a mistake or why she regretted kissing me. Maybe I could've eased her worry instead of validating her regret. I was so focused on my bruised ego and hurt feelings that I decided to try to make her feel as terrible as I felt in that moment. What the fuck is wrong with me? To be honest, I've never had a woman turn me down like that, and I reacted in the worse way possible. I've only known Logan for a week, but that's long enough to know that she deserves more respect than what I treated her with tonight.
I lick my lips as I think about her, remembering how it felt to have her mouth on mine, trying to taste her still. The mixture of vodka and vanilla lingers, but only slightly. I don't want the taste of Alyssa to take away what's left of her.
Alyssa reaches for the door handle, but I stop in my tracks, and she loses her grip on my shirt. "Wait." I shake my head. "I can't do this," I tell her.
"What are you talking about?" She turns around to look at me, confused.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "I can't do this. I'm sorry."
"What? But we do this all the time..." Still equally confused, she adds, though her voice has begun to rise in volume, sounding flustered.
I stay silent instead of answering. My own thoughts aren't making much sense even to me right now, let alone to someone else.